Clearing Cobwebs

Since the end of November, 2015, I’ve found myself in one of those panic attacks that makes you question every shadow you see out of the corner of your eye for an attacker, every spinning thought in your brain as truth and all the while every breath you take is shallow and unfulfilling.  I felt like i couldn’t live my life in the present because I was preoccupied with these scenarios that “could” happen.

Let me rewind for a second.  January of 2015, I left a job I had been at for almost 7 years, and started a new job.  In February of 2015, I finished my Bachelor’s degree, something I’ve been working on since September 2008.  In October I left the job I started in January, and in November I started a new, new 2015 job.  Throw the fact that my Mother in Law lived with us since August, 2013 and moved out December 11, 2015 and you have the perfect recipe for my anxiety.  I never thought I was bad at change, but after this year….phew. I was wrong

In all the change and in all the upheaval, I have certainly lost my grip on who I am. I am used to spending my weeknights working on papers for school, I’m used to commutes that last an hour to an hour and a half. These things have changed and I suddenly find myself with hours of time on my hands.  You know what they say, ‘idle hands are the devil’s workshop’ (Proverbs 16-27) and I’m pretty sure that’s part of what’s going on here.

This blog is one of my counter-activities to that idleness.  The chance and the choice to clear the internal cobwebs in my heart and mind,  to share my thoughts and to hopefully bring a voice to how I experience anxiety, so that it may help others, so they may find some comfort or at least some camaraderie on this anxious journey.

I don’t want this experience to be seen solely as negative.  I have a great deal to be grateful for; I am quite lucky to have a wife that loves me dearly, a comfortable home, and friends, family and pets who bring me great joy. I love when it’s raining and sunny out at the same time, I enjoy nature, a good cocktail or beer and music of any kind.  Will you join me on this journey?

I’ve been struggling with a massive amount of anxiety recently. The crippling kind that clutches your chest and sends your brain into a whirlwind of terrible scenarios. The kind of scenarios that rob you of your ability to see all the greatness in front of you because you’re concerned about what it’s that most likely will never occur. I’ve been doing work, and getting help but it’s still a work in progress as these things tend to be. I’m making the choice to face the pain of anxiety and address it because I don’t think I’m alone in these feelings of fear, worry, inadequacy or as this article states “standing on the razors edge of life” afraid to make one false move because an abyss of failure is almost certain.